Side stories overdone in NCAA Tournament, sporting events - News, Weather, Sports, Toledo, OH

Note to tourney announcers: We hear you, please stop

These guys are the story of the NCAA tournament, not the insanely beautiful wife of their head coach. (Source: FGCU Athletics) These guys are the story of the NCAA tournament, not the insanely beautiful wife of their head coach. (Source: FGCU Athletics)

(RNN) - Anything to fill time. That is apparently the motto of all announcers sitting on the sidelines of NCAA Tournament games.

You think they drop those anecdotes in the middle of possessions to add color?

No, my friend. They just need a way to entertain you while hiding their exasperation over having basketball injected into their veins for the past three weeks.

You might fight mental fatigue with dry wine. They fight mental fatigue with dry stories.

But we got news for you, play-by-play analysts, bloggers and slightly unattractive men who only crawl out of your holes to spew "expert knowledge" of a sporting event that defies predictability:

We. Don't. Care.

There, I said it. Someone had to. If we hear a story once, it may be slightly entertaining, possibly even interesting. But you guys kill the beauty of filling in the blanks by running with something until it drops dead.

The only reason we don't hate you is because there aren't many people in the world talented enough to scream for three consecutive days without breaking a sweat, so we kind of need you.

But we definitely don't need this:

Gushing over coaches' hot wives

The first lady of Florida Gulf Coast University, head coach Andy Enfield's wife, is a former swimsuit model. Good for her and good for Andy.

You TV guys could at least give her the dignity of mentioning her name (it's Amanda Marcum, by the way) before flashing pictures of her in a bikini.

Anyone who isn't over this already has probably found her old magazine covers and taped them to a pillow. Just saying.

Brackets sandwiched between Hooters girls

Really, ESPN?

It's bad enough that we have to stealthily peruse our brackets during work hours, lest we get caught doing something unproductive at work.

Now we have to explain why there are two buxom women in barely adequate clothing on either side of our computer screens.

Your "creative marketing" has not only added to the already high stress level of 8-to-5'ers everywhere, it has also significantly increased the workload of HR departments.

We hope you're happy with yourselves.

Rick Pitino "honoring" his players

By naming his race horses after them. This is an old story, but it came back up because (and this is a guess) journalists who cover Louisville got tired of talking about how good the team is.

Because really, who wants to watch a basketball game and hear thoughtful analysis of one of the most balanced teams in the country for 40 minutes? Well, maybe Joe Lunardi and Nate Silver. Wait, that was meant to be a rhetorical question.

On the other hand, it beats naming your kids after fruits or colors, [insert random celebrity couple here].

Marshall Henderson's absurdity

It's cute in a Tasmanian devil sort of way, but we have eyes. We see the kid is clearly not an "aw shucks, just trying to help the team win" type of ball player.

Why do we need a cutaway shot and replays every single time he celebrates a 3-pointer with his landshark impersonation? As an aside, that also looks like the word for "father" in American Sign Language (it helps to be bilingual these days, you know).

This might have been a better story if Ole Miss had a greater chance of winning this tournament. But as it stands, the coverage of Henderson's antics turned him and the team into a sideshow, which is unfortunate.

Jim Larranaga's Muhammad Ali impersonation

This is actually pretty cool, to tell the truth. Who doesn't want to see a 63-year-old man firing up his team with an impersonation of the Greatest of All Time?

We can enjoy this until it shows up about a dozen times during a game, turns into a meme and annoys us until it dies a slow, digital death.

Also worth noting: Christian Laettner listened to Public Enemy and Smashing Pumpkins before games (which explains a lot); Barry Larkin thinks his son, Shane, could have joined him in the 30-30 club; Oregon was underrated (perhaps the selection committee is overrated?).

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